Daily Life of Crazy

The daily life of crazy is about finding the inner peace so that everything is peace and love. NOT! That picture, not me I don't even live by mountains, and If I did climbing them would not be on my list right now. This will be about my life my crazy life and yes I have the meds. to back that up. So buckle up grab the OH HELL bar I live on a bumpy
I am a SAHM of 5 and I am a homeschooler. I do try to get pictures of them every time we let them out of the cave. Just kidding, my oldest has moved out and my 2 older boys work but still live at home. Than we have the twins they are 10 and we got them 2 years ago. My best friend passed and I went from cool aunt to hard nosed mom.

My past still likes to creep up and remind me I have scars. My story is not the worst by far but also far from the best. I do fear that at the times when my past is front and center some people will be hurt by what I say, to them sorry but this is my story and my life.

About Me

My Story
My story starts in 1972 in Jacksonville Fla. I don't really remember much from this time, on account I was a baby. But live there I did, with my big brother Charles, dad, and mom. When I was 2 my mother went around the bend a little and was no longer able to do the mom thing. I have read papers talked to family seems everyone wanted us but instead my brother and I were shipped off to Colorado. We lived in Boulder a few years and I remember some things. Sitting on my grandpas' lap at Christmas, the little girl who lived on the same block and we played together, the cherry tree in the neighbor's yard, the plum bush where I would make myself sick eating all the plums. Sitting on my grandma's bed watching TV. Nice memories good start to life right.

When I was 5 we moved to Louisville Just down the road from Boulder started school. The very first day of school is the day I found out I was not like everyone else. As the teacher was going around the room asking names and what you did for summer almost all went to visit their grandparents. Visit grandparents? I thought everyone lived with their grandparents. As one brain cell bumped another I started asking. Why don't I have parents? Who are my parents? Why don't I live with them?   Why   don't   they   love   me  ? 

So all in all great first day of school for me. This is the part where you get a lot of the hey suck it up could be worse. And yes could have been a lot worse but for a 5-year-old to find out they are different in a world where at 5 even I knew different wasn't good. Then, to listen to how much mom and dads love their kids knowing I didn't have that, well left a scar on my soul judge me if you want but I was only 5 didn't really have the tools to deal with it.

When I got home of course I asked and got what was to be the same answer I would get every time I did ask. Your mother loved you but could not take care of you and your dad didn't even care to show up at court.

That is the start of my story I will be writing more about it and about my daily life, but I thought it only right to at least start on how I got to where I am.
My Life 
I love the show Origins it's just interesting and then bam! hard left. The problem is there is no bang no smoke, no nothing to say hey my life and how I see the world just changed. Nope, the kids just kept on telling their stories. When my turn came I don't even remember what I said, I just remember crying. It was an Origin moment for me.

Now I'm sure many of you can guess what happens to a kid who is unsure of herself in a public school, I wasn't without friends just not a lot and very far away from the "A" crowd. Things had changed at home as well Charles had always been angry but now I was as well. To say there were fights would be an understatement and to say the fights got bad would be even more of an understatement, knives came into play at times. Grandma didn't think I would live to be a teen and there were times I feared that as well.

I wish I could say it was just Charles and I fighting but grandma and I were fighting bad as well. I know I titled this Daily Life of Crazy but in no way do I want to make light of mental illness not having it or living with family and loved ones who have it. I remember times when grandma would be mad never any yelling or anything like that, just her mad. A couple times she would try to hurt herself, or one of us. I remember a time when she picked me up around the neck, my toes off the floor my Aunt Mary saved the day. When she would have these "fits" the house would be silent and I mean silent as a grave. We would all go into our own rooms no radio no TV just silence till she got over it, got better. Is this what happened to my mother is this why? 

As I'm writing this I had to stop and call my Aunt Mary to tell her thank you. The memories are coming at me so fast, Mary taking us roller skating, to the library, outside to play games. I always thought she was taking us places, but now I think she was taking us away. She is only 10 years older than me, so young to step into the void, too young to understand. As I was talking to her she said she wished she had done more. She did more than she will ever know. The books she read to me are the books I read to my children, and just giving me a love of reading. Reading saved my life more than once no matter how bad the world looked or was I could crawl into the pages of a book and be free, I could be anything I wanted, anything. And I was, I was Tom and Huck, I was the Outsiders, and Rumble Fish. I have read thousands of books in my life, and it was Mary who opened them for me. How can I say thank you for that gift, the gift of reading and writing, wanting to learn so I could read harder books. I homeschool my kids I could not have done that had it not been for books and loving reading them. Books are so much a part of me I can't be without books any more than I could be without air. She gave me a life. How can I be 44 and just now know this?


Now I do feel I need to let you know that I was making some bad decisions as well. Not that what I went through was somehow my fault yea, not my fault. But like I said I was making a bad decision, and that was my fault. I acted out in textbook fashion. Stealing, fighting, drugs, drinking, party party party. This started around the age of 10, for the most part, I think the adults had no clue so if you're reading this, Surprise! Again it was not all hell there are still moments that stand out, Mary my Mary. Mary (Not Aunt Mary), was my best friend and she was just as messed up as I was. Two crazy peas in a crazy pod. We led each other into so much trouble, it was her shoulder I could fall apart on she became my safe place. When I was with her I knew if anyone my family or other tried to mess with me she would take care of it, and I hope she felt the same about me. I really do think we would have killed for each other if it came down to it. There was more than once I just wanted to die, just wanted it over but there she would be dragging me out of the hole again.

I wish Charles would have been doing as well as I was (how is that for messed up). His fighting was getting out of control, he was out of control. He broke into some building with some other guys but he got caught, he was not a rat though so never told who was with him. The cops and the courts decided it was time to teach the Gibson's a lesson.

It makes me crazy that cops always get caught off guard when it comes out those trouble making kids were living in hell. I mean really we lived in an upper-middle-class suburb, it's not like there was so much crime that we just slipped through the cracks. They just never looked. I mean how could my grandparents have problems Grandpa was on city council and my grandma, oh butter would melt in her mouth. She would be screaming at me and mean at the top of her lungs and she had no problem dropping a few f-bombs. The phone would ring and like Jekyll and Hyde, she is all sweetness. I watched that woman flirt make small talk better than any southern woman could dream of, then turns around looking at you with hate in her eyes and backhand you. My grandpa most of the time pretended we weren't there but there were a few spankings that left bruises or hateful words. In some ways, these hurt more because you were not used to it.

Ok, back to Charles big trouble they are talking juvie for him. My grandpa pulled some strings and got all the charges dropped and Charles was shipped off the Fla. to live with our long lost daddy dear. The year that followed has left wounds that still bleed to this day. I am going to need a few or more strong drinks if I'm going to write this and be honest about all that happened.
I just wanted to die
How do I even start trying to write about this year in my life? I am 44 and drinking hard to get through this. 
I guess we can start with Charles leaving one might think this would be a good thing no more getting chased by a crazy kid with a butcher knife. It is just not that easy Like the dog that has been beaten and will still miss his human when he leaves I was lost without Charles. I wanted someone, anyone to love me, and in his own very messed up way Charles did. We had always had each other. To say 8th grade sucked would be a nice way to put it. As anyone who knows me I am trying not to cuss through this I normally would. I would fight anyone for any reason even broke a girls nose for saying something bad about Charles. I spent a lot of time in detention and in my school that was locked in a closet till I could "calm down" doesn't work very well on a person who is scared of small places. I never told them I didn't want anyone to ever think I was weak. I think most adults had to have seen through that, but they never stopped locking me in there so hey I looked way tougher than I ever felt. They would call my grandma in, that helped.
 Why Jennie why do you do this every day if it's not one thing it's another. Why can't you be like your Aunt Mary? You are fat, you are ugly, all you do is cause trouble. All the stress in this house is your fault. Just get out get out of this house and don't come back!

I think I might not have drunk enough yet so if spelling and what not gets bad, just be nice.

I would leave, go wander around see what my friends were up to (thank you my Mary for being there most nights). I would get drunk do some drugs party party party. At some point, I would head home the cops picked me up most of the time. They wanted to know why I ran away scaring my grandparents that way. Why do I hurt them so much, they love me. Ok, virgin ears cover up! Fuck them for taking me back every fucking time telling me how bad I was too hurt them. I learned if I was back by 10 the cops were not called and I didn't have to put up with that. Not a bad curfew for a 13-year-old though. See the bright side of everything! Started having sex at this time, to say the first time sucked well he was big and I was not ready. The guy never really liked me so it's not like he was going to make sure I was ready. I though if I did this he would like me. Well that worked, Not! He hated me even more after that, I learned something important though, while they were trying to get into your pants they would say such sweet things, tell you how pretty you are how sweet how they felt so much for you. Ha! I knew it was a lie they knew but for a time I could pretend.  4th of July, happy 14th to me. The summer passed in a bit of a blur I parted hard got in fights. Worked at a soda fountain lol to this day I don't eat a lot of ice cream.
My high school was pretty bad for how they treated freshmen but my Uncle Bobbie hung around with a lot of seniors so I didn't get to much trouble from that end. My problem was people wanted to fight me, people I had never even met before they heard I was tough so would come and start a fight. I would like to think I was getting smarter because I would almost walk away from those fights still looking like the bad ass, Why would I fight you punk go away grow up than come and bug me.
Summer ended, school started. What a joke they put me in high risk drop out classes. English class we were given 9 weeks to read the outsiders. Walked in the second day said ok read it. She, of course, thought I was full of it, so I quoted her the start of the book, happens to be the end as well. Told her I read that in 4th grade. Most of the other classes were just as stupid. I can't spell for shit never could, hell still can't, I have never been stupid and being treated as such showed me the value of education. Me Mary Jeff (who are finally together) and a few others skipped ever day. I would ride the bus stick my books in my locker take off to come back at the end of the day get different books ride the bus home. only once was I caught and all he did was send a letter to my grandparents and I got to it before them so no harm no foul right. I decided ok you can't do this you have to go and do this you need to graduate so went back to school showed up in my classes. I don't know if they thought I moved or what but needless to say I was sent to the office for skipping. Told them I was tired of being a screwup and ready to buckle down. They suspended me for a week. At least I didn't get locked in a closet see that silver lining again.
Things at home are going from bad to worse and at this point, I think I hated everyone in the world. It felt like the same fight over and over I would fuck up she would tell me what a loser I was Bobbie would tell me how fat I was and Aunt Mary would be everything I was not and grandpa would pretend I wasn't there unless I needed my ass beat. Oh, and let's not forget I got stood up for the homecoming dance. Thank God for friends. I got to go and with a good looking guy and watch they guy who had asked me looked like he saw a ghost. He even asked me to dance, I did and told him what an ass I thought he was. 
Thanksgiving, Christmas, New year. Found out that if you tell a girl you are going to taste her blood you will get in a bit of trouble for it. I got probation for that. Got so drunk I had to hold onto the grass to keep from falling off the face of the earth. I was stupid to think life was bad at this point lol I have to laugh at that I was stupid I didn't know shit. I was getting ready to find out though.
My grandma and I got into another fight I was again kicked out went to a friends house. Smoked the best weed it was laced with opium after throwing up I laid in the door of the bathroom watching movies that were not there on the ceiling. I was in no way ready to go home so we crashed and just for the record I was on a bean bag by myself.
I still don't know how they found me but in the middle of the night, cops are everywhere I'm in a house with about 40 weed plants 2 guys over 18 and they are looking for me. They did not have sex with me didn't even try gave me pot but hell I had been doing that for a bit now. They were arrested for the drugs contributing to a minor and even though they never touched me, rape. I destroyed their lives because they felt sorry for me. I kept telling the cops that nothing happened but who listens to a kid.
I was taking home told that if I left the house I was not going to like what happened. So I got my grandma's heart pills and took all of them, she was a lot of pills, I just wanted it to stop I didn't want to ruin anyone else's life I wanted the pain to stop. I waited about 15 min after I took them to call my Mary to say goodbye. I didn't know but my Uncle Bobbie was listing on the phone he called the EMTs. They saved my life yea!!! Ok, need a break to pull myself together. 
The Winter of my 14th year

It was off to the hospital with me. Had a great time met new people had my stomach pumped drank black charcoal. One very good thing about my grandma and her not wanting everyone to know our "shame" I was not sent to juvie. I mean really juvie who the hell sends a kid who just tries to kill herself to a place like that anyway. I was sent to the psych ward of Boulder Hospital it was not the worst place in the world. Had a Doc come in to talk to me I am not kidding he put butter up his nose told me it helped his sinuses. I told him he was fucking crazy and weird. So off to a good start, yep going to get a lot of help here. I really don't think I learned much there except once I found out that I could get out for a bit by going to AA and NA I learned how to make acid. I was asked what I wanted and I said Charles so big daddy drove on down. When my Aunt Mary found out she came to see me she told me off, I guess she just wanted to remind me what a piece of shit I was for hurting my grandparents they way I am and how great Uncle Pat was because he never tried to find his real dad. News to me Pat was a Szymanski and therefore loved. She ended by telling me she would never forgive me and walked out. I felt like I had just been run over by a truck I tried to just let the pain wash over me, water over a rock, water over a rock. Later that night I had a bit of a meltdown and was locked in a room not even padded walls. my knuckles were bloody by the time they let me out. Gee, you think between the closet at school and the room there is why I can't be in enclosed places? About a week later Daddy dearest step mom Syba and Charles showed up to take me to Fla. Syba was quick to let me know that out of love for not only my brother and I but the children of hers that she did not raise they had no more children, unlike my mother who has more children. Well wow news to me. Not the best start to a trip but I should have hung on to that good time as they were the good times. Now was my life hard? Um yea, but I was still spoiled for all that my grandparents ate out a lot I got to go to the mall I mean my grandparents were doing ok or at least they lived like it, try to keep this in mind as I go over the next fun story. To say the food was different was like saying living on the moon might be a little different. I had never eating southern food some I liked grits still love them with eggs but all the fired stuff was new and I didn't like a lot of it. So told I could have a hot dog (now get ready to laugh but I have never "cooked" a hot dog we had a microwave) Cooked that stupid thing for 30 minutes before Syba laughing her ass off told me it was done. And that was a great dinner who doesn't like to eat rubber. They had more than a laugh over that, they were rolling on the floor at how anyone my age could not know how to cook a hotdog. I feel like I'm fitting right in loving the new family, Not! It was the end of February so I was starting school right in the middle.

Now you remember I was in the high risk drop out classes for people who can't read or write very well. So not me. When I was in the hospital they had tutors they were surprised to find me reading college level books just because, and gave me some work I liked for a change. It was fun it made me think for the first time in a long time I wasn't treated like I was stupid. Now again some of this is my fault I let them think I was stupid made my life easier boring but for the most part easy. 

Schools in Florida are a little different than the upper-middle-class neighborhood I grew up in, and I was bussed yes they still do that. I was bussed to an inner-city school in Jacksonville Fla. The first thing I noticed was no grass the school took up about a block but just concrete no fields no nothing like that. Then I noticed the fence topped with barbed wire. I mean what the hell was this school or prison. I was taken into the office and a young girl was called in to show me to my classes. Now I had dressed up wanted to look good for the first day and all, 1st no one in Fla. wears pantyhose it's to damn hot wish I knew that and at this school, you damn sure don't wear them with the shoes that match your skirt. Now, this girl came up to the middle of my chest and so cute you would want to stick her in your pocket to take home. We went into one class and a boy started making well, comments about my outfit they were not mean things per say just vulgar and nasty, needless to say, he is sent to the dean's office. We walk out and this girl looks at me and lets me know someone a black someone will get in my face and If I don't stand up to them school will be very hard for me. Now in my world color had no effect on anything, I really did not care about it in anyway shape of form. Now before anyone thinks I was somehow enlightened well don't if you had asked me about racism I would have said there is no more of that. I was about to be taking down a few pegs. The boy who yes was black and more than a bit bigger than me had somehow not made it to the office (anyone surprised anyone), I am so glad that girl (I wish I could remember her name) warned me. This boy was in my face and trying to bend me backward. I'm not a pushover, to begin with, and with the girls warning no way in hell was he going to back me up, I stood tall and looked right back in his face. This boy/man somewhere in between let me know what was going to happen to little cracker bitches like me, everything from just getting the shit beat out of me to rape and death. looked him in his hateful eyes laughed told him to get the fuck out of my way. He did he stepped aside and then followed us to the office the Dean was waiting for him and took him into his office as soon as he got there. The girl looked at me told me I did well. I turned to my Father and told him to get me the hell out of here. Got to the van and started crying he asked what happened I told him and I received my first lesson in why the "white" race is better than others. I started school the next day in a school that was about 2% white. Classes were wow slow that is the nicest way I can put it. The teachers would say the same thing over and over and over again, and to make it worse in 9th grade they were doing stuff I had in 3rd and 4th. Books could not be taken home but had to be left in the classroom and reading was not really done, the teacher read everything, and not even much in the way of homework seeing as you can't take the books home. Lunch was a surprise I was ready to blow it off and find the library so I could get a few books when I was told I can't. Can't go to the library what the hell. No, we had to walk as a class to the lunchroom get lunch sit at the same table and then stay there till it was time for our next class. There was a guard walking around and this was during the 80s. In a lot of ways it was a prison, every day a little more of my world crumbled.

Daddy Dear

After I had been there about a week and a half my father wanted to take me out so we could get to know each other, Ok great. We grabbed some McDs and beer, yes the old man bought me a beer. We went for a drive to I have no idea where. Got into the back of the van and talked, yea my first daddy daughter time. A few hints were thrown my way I knew what they were so I just let them fall and thought, all I could think was, no you can't, you I'm wrong that did not just happen. Time to wrap this little party and head back home, we crawled into the front seats. He grabbed I think we all know where no not the breast lower, He grabbed me and asked: "Will this ever be mine".  I hate full-size vans to this day I'm just not ok with them.

Ok had to take a break again, wow this is fun!

I really had no idea how to deal with this I looked at him said No! he then made a joke of it. I didn't really believe him but I wanted to so I didn't say anything. He drove home like nothing had happened. After that, I stayed away from the house a lot more there was a mall a few blocks away, spent most evenings there. And that is how the fight started.

Now as I said Syba's cooking was not something I liked very much, so I didn't eat there. I would eat at school and grab something at the mall. So this one fine furry day Syba decides I need to clean the kitchen.  (After the whole hotdog thing I never went back in the kitchen I didn't even eat food there). I didn't think this was very fair as I didn't get it dirty and went to take off. As an adult, I would be pissed if one of mine did this and they would be in big trouble, but there are ways to handle it and ways not to. After I was told to do them anyway and said no I was sent to my room (well half a room I had to share with Charles), I never really did like being told what to do I was hungry and I wanted to go. So I waited till they were in the front room and took off out the back. Well, some people just need to learn how to oil a damn door I got half a block. Charles and my father confronted me and oh hell it was on. It started just talking smack but when I was told I was going to be locked in my room and Charles grabbed me I fought. I lost! during the struggle, I lost my shirt and ended up with Charles holding my feet and my father with both of my hands in his one hand as he beat me with his belt and belt buckle. I was fighting as hard as I could so more than a few shots wrapped around my side to my stomach and breast. I was then dragged with one of them grabbing a hand back to the house and locked in the room. Again locked in a damn room. Now I do understand how much better it would have been had I just washed the damn dishes. If I could go back I would have washed them or at least stayed in my room, I could have let them know what it did to me being locked in a room I am not saying what they did was right because oh hell no it was not. I had control over how I handled myself and to say I picked wrong is a true understatement. I first tried to get out the window, who the hell nails their windows shut what if there had been a fire. I may have gone off the rails a little at this point started throwing things. Dear old dad came in and let me know in the least kind way this was not ok. I pulled myself together enough to think I have to get away that was as far as my planning went. I knew I could not go home Aunt Mary made that very clear I had slammed that door.

Now I must say Aunt Mary has told me she never hated me. It didn't feel that way to me I really felt that to call them would be wrong because I had hurt everyone so bad. That is why for years everytime I tried to write this story but I  never could I know it will hurt people. How do you tell someone the words you said in anger and didn't even mean still to this day make me question myself. I know I will hurt people so all I can say is I'm sorry.

I stopped screaming and just sat very still over and over, get free, get free, get free! after some time they came in I very nicely asked if I could be outside for a bit I will not leave I promise. They let me I sat on the bumper of the van and waited I knew they were watching I knew they would try to "get me" trying to take off. after about 20 min they tried to sneak around the van they both walk with a heavy tread not hard to miss. So they pop up and I'm just sitting there smoking looking like I'm just getting calm wrapping my head around everything. Yes, I'll be in, in a few min to do the dishes. I learned something very important that day don't lose the war just to win a battle. Dumb asses walked off like they were badasses taught me my place lol oh hell no! as soon as they were in the house I was dust gone making tracks I knew they would go to the mall to look for me, my friends all hung out there. So didn't go there. Nope, I jumped from the frying pan right into the fire. 




Frying pan to the fire
 
Well, I made it, I got away by going left instead of right. Woo hoo! I just started walking, I didn't know Jacksonville don't know how long I had been walking but it was some time. Up next to me pulls up a car and I know one of the guys so when they offered me a ride I said OK, that would be when I hit the fire. They asked me where I was going I said just away, so we drove around and soon outcome the drinks. I could use a drink my back side and part of my chest hurt like hell and anything to make that better is good with me. Well as with most people as I kept drinking (odd but they were not getting as buzzed as I was) I had to pee. This is the point I look around and no clue where we are. So they pull over and tell me to use the bush. I never think its the girl's fault when a rape happens but sometimes we just stumble along and put our self right in their hands. I took off with 3 guys only one I knew, stupid stupid stupid! Hell, I did half the job for them I had my pants down around my ankles. they grabbed me it was just two of them they grabbed me and I screamed. When I was able to get up and get away from them they told me to get in the car, I was like no! "look around do you know where you are or far to get back". The one guy I knew talked me back into the car telling me he didn't think it would go so far. I listened to him, how stupid can a girl be! Yet there I was nowhere to go no one to help me so just to prove I could be even more stupid I went home with him and I went from whoring myself to feel loved to whoring myself for help. 
 
 Spring Break Part 1
I went to the mall in the morning well afternoon (I was a teen after all), my friends told me both my brother and father were by several times looking for me. I did the only thing I could think of I took off hitchhiked out of there. My first ride asked if I was going to Daytona Beach for spring break so that is where I went.  Jennifer Jill Young was born that night, but I went by JJ.

This has been so hard to write. There is so much shame, and fear that people will look at me differently, stop loving me, find me unworthy. So please be kind and try to remember I was 14 and just a stupid kid.

When I first got there to say I was overwhelmed is a true understatement. What the hell do I do now? I got there pretty early in the morning so I just walked around not sure what to do and where to go. Watched the sun rise over the ocean, it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I walked up to the boardwalk and I knew street kids when I see them so I asked for a smoke. lol, they were shocked I talked to them, I knew they were street kids but they didn't know I was. So we stand around smoke compare stories. All 3 of us are runaways. They tell how panhandling works on the boardwalk the best approach was money for a phone call. We went laid out in the sun got some sleep as we waited for the place to get busy after lunch was a good time then again just before the sun goes down that is when you get the most families. Moms are always easy targets and give the most money. We would get enough to eat at least once a day. we stole clothes, food, drinks, anything we needed. I nearly got caught one night as I ran out of the store I got about half a block doubled back and hid about 100 feet from the store. Nights were the worst it wasn't too bad till around 1 or 2 by then the parties would slow down and the streets would empty, you were not allowed to sleep on the beach and cops were out in force as It was spring break. I hid in alleys and gutters, I was a gutter rat, I had lived up to what most people thought I would make of my life. Yea me!

After about 2 weeks the boys I was running with decided to try to go home, so I was left alone. Not a great place to be, a couple days later I caved in and went back to good ole daddy.
Back with daddy 
 
So back to school I go, it was much worse, Here I had missed 2 weeks and still had no problems with school. I didn't bring any paper or anything to classes with me, in fact, I slept through most of my classes. Well after about a week of this one of my teachers got a little pissed at me, bitched me out told me she was going to throw a fit all over me (how that works I don't want to know), then told me to go to the office. Well as I was walking out I flipped her off. Now I was the only with kid in every one of my classes there were other white kids but I had no classes with them and their views of me were pretty clear, I was a cracker bitch, I was not going to argue Hell even I knew I couldn't fight my way out if I got lippy. So to say I was not well-liked well yea I was not well liked. So they just had to tell the teacher, that was just wrong I was almost out the door. So I get called back in asked if I flipped her off. I said fuck you, yes I did, it was not the best way to answer that question. She lost her shit no other way to put it. By the time she was done I was glad to leave that room. get to the office and of course, they are waiting on me. They very kindly told me they had called my parents and I was suspended for a week if you miss 5 days of days of school  (the second week in Daytona was this schools spring break so I only missed 4 days) you flunk and that is that. So classes that were so easy I was sleeping through and still had all A's I was now at all F's. So while I could come back after my week I would still flunk. That will make kids want to go to school. 

Daddy was a little mad at me (I hope you can hear the tone in that), I was sent to my room as soon as I got home and yep locked the fuck in. Asshat. I had learned though I walk in and stayed calm I sat by the nailed in window and just worked on breathing. I was called out when It was dinner time. Oh yes, I had to eat that crap well I didn't eat a lot. And before you ask hell yes I did the dishes after dinner lol. After that I asked to take a walk they said yes. Charles followed me so I just went to the park and sat there when he left I was dust, off again. Guess where I went?

 
Spring Break #2
Back at the beach, now you have to understand something have changed since my day everyone picked their own spring break dates. Now almost everyone has them at the same time. My first trip out was a lot of kids and families college age kids. Panhandling is much harder when it's younger people, they are all broke just getting down there.

No cool guys to pal around this time, But I had been noticed by one person, spider woman so named because of the spider web tattoo on her forehead. To say this woman scared me is a big understatement. She ran about 15 girls or so, and yes you know what I mean, well she thought I should be one of her girls. I ran every time I saw her. She did not work alone and had a big native who was her boyfriend, muscle, I don't know. I know he was the one who chased me down. I made a deal with him I would sleep with him if he wouldn't bring me to her. So to keep from selling myself, I sold myself. 

I found the best way to get food or at least get something to drink was to just show up at parties, hell they could get so wild you could not tell who belonged or who didn't. I ended up in a room with a group from Michigan. They were going to graduate so this is where they went for their last high school spring break. They were good guys who had no idea I was only 14 I told them I was 18 I looked it. when they noticed I was there a lot they let me just stay. They fed me, let me sleep there and for the most part didn't do anything to me. 2 of the guys kinda claimed me so I had to only sleep with them, it wasn't too bad. One night One of the guys pissed off the balcony that will bring the cops, who did not believe I was 18. I was gathered up put in the back of the car, so much fun. He started asking me questions I told him I had just turned 17 he bought this when I asked him where he was talking me he said to a juvie hall. Oh hell no not where I wanted to go so I told him I wanted to kill myself. He took me to a state ran a shelter for kids that need help rather than juvie after I told him that. Got there went on the tour by the time we got back to the front cop was gone. I looked at the intake lady asked her if she had the right to keep me there she said no, so I left. Why didn't I stay you may ask yourself well 17 you can stay at places like that but at 14 they are sending you home or to juvie so I felt I had to leave. I walked back to the beach, took me hours. I got back in time to watch them pack to head back home but not till after a romp for a goodbye I guess. things got a lot worse after they left. I kept telling myself that if I didn't take money, just a place to sleep and food, that I was not prostituting myself. It is hard to lie to yourself. One night there was 2 guys the first one did his thing jumped up started screaming about crabs and kicked me to the curb. I went crawling back home.
My Brother Dear
Yea I'm back in the loving arms of my family! A good shave took care of my souvenirs from the last night or I guess so I wasen't taking any chances.  

Things were not any better this time than the last time or the time before that. OK drinking to get through this part lol.I think I should just hit the high notes. I guess we start off with a trip to the mall. It had started raining hard and by hard well anyone who has lived in Fla. knows there hard is way harder than for the rest of us. So I get a ride by a friends ex boyfriend just a ride just a fucking ride nothing happned hell it was only a few blocks. Well, when she found out she did not feel the same way about it.  A few days later she came flying up the road nearly hit me with her car, now I have no clue she is pissed because I didn't do anything wrong. She gets out of the car takes me in a flying tackle across the stomach I slammed my head into the middle of the road and the lights went out in Jacksonville. Now I really only know bits from that night but wow nightmares are us. I don't remember her leaving after she kicked my ass hell I don't even know if I fought back, I had a flashback one time of her holding my hair and slamming my head over and over into the road. So next thing I'm inside locked in my room (why the hell am I locked up) EMS showes up I tell them I'm fine. Next I'm in my Aunts car back seat and roaches start crawling out of the ashtray and eating into my skin. Nothing comparied to the bug parade with the bug fuzzy critters with long tailes this was while I was on Lousie's couch Louise was an ex-wife of My grandfather Jack. Having trouble with my family line lol.

Ok let me see If I can help here Mother is Rose who was Married to Charles Sr. they had me and my brother Chrales Jr. now for grandparents, I had Marie she is the grandma who raised me and was married to Bob my step grandpa. Then we have Jack who was my Grandfather who was married a lot but now has settled down but she is not in the story or him very much for that matter but a lot of steps like most kids.

Now back to my night on the couch. trippy night I knew what I was seeing could not be real but hey I saw it anyway. Flash next day swimming and had to go inside to go pee starting seeing people who were not there. Flash back at home.

Ok well just talked to my Aunt Sandy and not a bit of that happned. I used to be sent to Louise's house when we were little kids and when I left Fla. I was there so I don't know why it is so stuck in my head but that should tell you how bad I was that night. I am now trying to find out what happened.  Well I think that night will forever be lost to me I have called around and it seems after my brother and Sybas son Dewey (yea I know Dewey) pulled us apart I took off. No one knows where I went and I have no clue, I have 3 scars and at least I know the fight was real I was starting to wonder if I had just gone crazy or something.

And after that, I lived happily ever after, well no. Can't have the happy ending yet but it is going to happen so stay with me on this. The next big hey let's see how bad we can screw with your life happned with my brother. So I guess I need to start this with the boy next door or in my case across the street doesn't roll off the tonge as well. I had a crush a big one and of course, if I wanted them to want me they didn't. Sometimes I feel like I have had a sign over my head any decent guys stay away from spoiled goods. Charles told me how to get the boy I wanted, He was so helpful all I had to do was sleep with my brother. At which point he starts trying to cop a feel. Now you have to understand how bad this was for me Charles who had tried to kill me more than once was still my rock, and because of that I almost gave in after all he was my brother who loved me right. I could not do that though couldn,t even let him touch me. The pain of this was overwelming I could find reasons why dear old dad tried, after all, I was a stranger to him but Charles was Charles my brother who was supposed to love me. Turns out he didn't either.

At this point the fact that Dad tried again seems almost just run of the mill another day in paradise. I sadi no that while Syba was gone I would not share his bed. The last straw this time came from my crush, he spent a night treating me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Took me out for dinner dancing under the stars told me he loved me. I wanted to be loved so bad. Yes, we had sex and the very next day acted like he hated me. I went back to the house and I don,t even remember what happned this time a fight over some bull shit and I had had it. I yelled about daddy wanting to sleep with me stomped to my room and cried, but not for long. Charles came in grabed my purse, grabed me took me to the front porch handed me my purse, told me he had no sister any longer and to just go and never come back. I was thrown away again.
 
Drugs on the Beach
 
And back to Daytona. It was the college break this time MTV was there and parties were everywhere. But the guys were not a gullible as high school guys they would take what they wanted and kick you to the curb. Not a good way to sleep or eat. I started in on the locals who lived and were out often enough for me to get to know. One of witch was a drug dealer, he let me come and stay at his house for a night and I think he was thinking of keeping me there till I had to cook for him. I did not know how to cook at that time, so he made me a mule easiest job in the world. I would lay on a towel soaking up the sun. A certain someone would lay down next to me say a catch phrase. I would then go for a swim and when I came back the drugs are gone I never dealt with the money just the drugs and would get my part. It kept me in White Castle burgers, I hate them now. The biggest problem was nowhere to sleep so I started sleeping during the day, and staying up all night most of the time at White Castle as it was open 24/7. For showers, they had them at the beach to rinse off the ocean water. So I used that as my own shower I would just put my hands under my bathing suite to clean all the nooks and crannies. I would wash my pants and shite with the shampoo in the morning and let them dry during the day than the bathing suite at night while I was wearing my other clothing. I was starting to look a little rough but I was clean.

I still had the problem of spider woman and she had not forgotten me she managed to corner me one day to inform me that I would be one of her girls as I would get tired of living on the streets and when I did I knew where she was.

I called my Aunt Sandy she came and got me and put me on a plane to Texas.
 
Mommy
The thing I wanted most in the world a mother who loved me. I made her into a paragon of perfection. She was all the things my grandma could or would not be, and she would love me always.

When you put people up on a pedestal it hurts when they fall on you.

I really thought this was it the place I will finally be happy. I got off the plain and there she was my mother! She lived in the projects but after Fal. I was a little better off dealing with that. Nothing like being homeless to knock you down a few pegs. I was no longer the suburb child that didn't know what to where. I was street smart, untrusting, and an even bigger smart ass.

When we got back to her apartment we cried in her arms but soon after had to deal with the fact that I was an underage kid and a 12-year old restraining order on her. So cops called to tell us Sandy called me in missing the order had expired so as I was with a parent I was good to go. I don't think things would have been that easy these days. I wanted to please her and make her love me so much that at first things went well. I was a good girl and she did not have to get on me much I was happy to wash dishes and clean my room. But anger like mine can only be bottled for so long then out it comes.

It was little things at first, not much, no more than any sane person would ask of a child of 14. She wanted to be my mother. I was not your average 14 year old not anymore. My life had changed so much the thought of someone telling me how and when to do things was at least to me, crazy. Small things always small things, and in some ways, I think I was testing her. Is that fair, no but I had been thrown away a few to many times, once by her already. I don't even remember the fights I just remember they kept getting worse.  My last day with her we got into a huge fight again I don't even remember what but I was so angry I pulled my fist back to hit her and at the last second turned to hit the wall instead. I stormed out after that. 

I just went a few blocks away not far, not hiding, not doing anything wrong. Next, think 3 cop cars are pulling in lights on guns out looking for little ol me. Handcuffs on, back of the car and away we go. I was in a little over my head I tried to ask what was going on, no answer, dicks. I was taken to the station and I can only guess in an effort to scare me straight. I was taken to a cell, told to strip by a male officer. I was never read my rights and as a minor well lets just say that not how things are supposed to go. Was I scared oh hells ya shitless, did I put me on the path to being a good little girl NO! I do have a strong dislike for cops though. I don't trust them as far as I can pick them up and throw them. 

After standing there shaking I was told to get dressed I was then led down to the station room and sat in a chair. There were not many cops there but enough for me to feel embarrassment and humiliation. They grabbed my purse and started pulling things out one by one making fun of me telling me I was dirty and nasty because I had not cleaned my brush off. I was sitting in a chair while everyone else was standing, leaning, or sitting on a desk putting all of them higher. So I had to look up at all of them. I'm pretty sure they call that a position of power. Big and tough to do to a 14-year-old.

calls were made to my mother, no she will not take me back, to my grandparents no, but they will it no one else will. By now it is getting late, they have nowhere to send me I ended up and a friend of my mothers and left the next day to go home. Yea! Not!
?Home Again
The flight home was great, I was filled with self-dought self-loathing and I was a big fat failure. Yea me. The summer was not any better, I turned 15 and never felt more alone.

I got sick my grandma nor grandpa cared had to call a neighbor who took me to a health clinic put me on an IV my fever was so high I got dehydrated. I was there for like 2 hours they never came Bonnie drove me home I thanked her. Again one of those moments where you get it right in your face where you stand with people. You don't matter you don't count you never really did.

This was about the time I started cutting myself something I struggle with to this day.

http://www.cracked.com/personal-experiences-1486-5-truths-about-hurting-yourself-a-cutters-perspective.html

If you are a cutter or know someone who is this is for you to read. As for me, cutting was keeping me sane. The times when my mind would be spinning my heart hurting and just so overwhelmed I couldn't see straight this stopped all that. It makes me focus on just the one thing at a time, the cut, the rush, the relief.

In the middle of this fun summer, my grandpa comes home, middle of the day middle of the week. gets out a lawn chair takes a nap in the backyard under a tree. Now many people may say so who cares but this is not something he would ever do. I knew that something was wrong, I called my grandma who talked to him, then told me to leave him alone. I didn't I kept going out asking if there was anything I could do if he needed anything. Till he yelled at me for bothering him I went inside and watched him from the sliding door after that. It turned out he had lung cancer, but I was the self-absorbed one who could see nothing but myself and everyone feel sorry for me. I knew something was wrong but who listens to a kid like me, oh that's right no one.

The summer was ending and I stupid enough to think I was going to stay home. How could I ever forget I was not wanted.



The Contract 
As much as I would love to say I learned my lessons and everyone forgave me and life moved on to happier times well that's not life. So I have bounced again, and again I was reminded I was not wanted. Where was I sent this time well it was Uncle Pats turn to line me out.

I was a bit surprised to find out I was getting shipped away, I don't know why my grandma and I were still not getting along. It was not as bad but I can see looking back I had some PTSD. Back then it was a matter of hey shake it off and stop being a baby. Didn't work then doesn't work now, in most ways I was broken and still trying to act like I had everything under control. So now Pat and his wife Chris were going to line me out.

After being dropped off I was given a 3-page contract of how I was to act and how I was to be treated in return. I would get 3 chances after that I was out. Just what every 15-year old wants a contract and yet still I felt hope thinking they would understand me better than my grandparents did.

It was not so bad at first I went to school in a neighboring town as Mac is the smallest dot on the map you can get. I was giving lunch money that I used to buy cigarettes, hey a girl needs her smokes and even made a few friends. I was in between classes, not a 9th grader but not 10th either so I ended up in classes with both. The school was hard for me at this time how do you go from the lessons I had to learn in the last year to math. The contract said I had to have at least a C in each class so I did try harder than I had in a long time. Drama was great and my best class I love pretending to be someone else stepping into a roll like that.  Things were not too bad at Pat's either or so I thought, Chris wanted me to write a journal saying it would be good for me, A place for my feelings, why would I ever think writing down things would be good, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Pat and Chris went out one night I was bored out of my mind a guy friend lived about 1/2 mile away and I called him up to come over. We sat outside and made out a little not much he went on home. I gave it no thought about it and wrote about it in my its a safe place to write about things journal.  That weekend I found out why they wanted me to be writing things down (who can see where this is going), so they could read it. When I was confronted with my "wrongdoing" one would have thanked I had a keg party and helped people strip the house of everything they owned. I got bitched up one side down the other for having someone who was going to rob them in the house. Tried to tell them we never went inside but hey why should we believe anything a girl like me says. And strike 1.

I started acting out a little after that, big surprise I was still 15 and as far as I can see they broke trust with me. So I tried to skip school but this is no big city and people in town called to say I was not in school damn narcks. And that was strike 2. It was at this time my grandpa found out why he was so tired and getting wore out, stage 4 lung cancer. It hit all of us hard I cried Pat beat the shit out of me. We all deal with stress our own way, right? He had brought up the damn boy and how he was going to rob him blind. I tried again to tell him that he had never gone inside and it was on, by the time it was over he was out in his pasture calming down and I dragged myself onto the porch and into the house to clean up the blood the next day it was back to Louisville that was my strike 3.

When they got there Pat and Chris were kind enough to lay it all out for my grandparents of how bad I was and how I could not be controlled. Pat was kind enough to come up and say goodbye hit me again break my radio and let me know what a piece of shit I was.
Death not Talked About
So home again. A place I am not wanted or needed in any way. My grandpa was dying, it was not to be talked about to anyone for any reason. My grandparents were big fish in the small pond of Louisville. My grandpa was on the city council, my grandma was beloved by everyone. So yet again I am put in a position that is really over my head, yes yes yes I know millions of kids lose parents and grandparents every year. What made this so hard was not being able to talk to anyone about it, I tried to talk to my grandpa one time he got mad and told me he wasn't dead so there was nothing to talk about. And before anyone starts to wonder what I said to get that response was me asking. Can I talk to you about what is going on? I didn't ask again. To my everlasting shame, I did not make things better, in fact, my grandma and I fought even more, and it was selfish but I wanted someone anyone to see the huge ball of pain I had become. I wanted someone to care that I had been through hell in Florida not much fun In Texas and now this I was broken. Sad to say I didn't know this then I just knew I was hurting and alone. I can look back and see the brokenness and the screams for help. But this was the 80s and kids in the 80s were alone a lot, as a generation we acted out a lot as well,  to much free time on our hands, we were a self-absorbed ungrateful generation (or at least that is what they said. I think we saw ourselves very different). We were the first generation with mass divorce and 2 working parents. The first who were on their own from a young age. No one was trained to spot the kids that were in real trouble they can barely do it now let alone back then. So once again I was just a bad kid who loved causing trouble.

By mid winter things were very bad, the cancer could no longer be kept a secret his hair had fallen out and he was getting weaker every day. As the stress went up in the house so did the fights. Things were getting rapidly out of controll. The final straw came in the form of hospice I did not know what that was or what it meant but by the way everyone was acting I knew it was imporant, so I was sent to my room as this did not involve me. To this day it hurts to think of those words. Another reminder of how much they really thought of me.

I am 45 now and yet the pain can still be so fresh. I want to go back and tell her it was not all my fault you can't raise children in an emotional vacumm. You can't just dismiss their pain and walk away. When you keep telling them that they don't matter that they don't count, well how do you expect them to act. When you keep telling a child they are not good enough it doesn't make them want to be better, they just stop trying altoghter. And damn it children are not meant to be alone. Sorry for the side bar there just had to be said.

I didn't go to my room why would I start doing what I'm told now of all times I sat on the stairs and listened they talked about how to make him comfortable. When the time came they would bring a bed in so he could stay downstairs, all the things that go into starting a death watch. And I got that this was how I found out he was going to die or that there was even a chance of it (when I say it was not talked about I mean it was not talked about). All my grandma wanted to know was if he was going to be addicted to the morphine, could be why they never told me he might die they my grandma wouldn't face it. For me that was it I was done I left nothing in my pockets not even a coat I just took off. It was the most cowardly selfish thing I have ever done. But I knew if I stayed it would be the death of me. I took off for California seemed like a good place to go to me. I never made it past Grand Junction.